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Talk:A Tale of Three Wildloughs/@comment-1031927-20120427014210
Alright, Con crit ahoy! As I once mentioned, I think you should go a head and edit that part, so even though you didn't write the first couple sections, I concrited them anyways. Remember, these are suggestions, so don't worry about following them to the letter. Prologue: Too quick of an opening. You're jerked unexpectedly into the story, and since I hadn't read HR in a while, it took a minute for me to figure out where we were (Thanks to the awesomeness of Kolun Galedeep :P) More description, please. Maybe start with Kolun so that people like me who haven't read HR in a while would figure out where we were? With the later introduction of Hetfield and Kiana, the prologue is rendered pointless. There remains no reason to single out the one daughter as "special"- indeed, increases confusion when you get to chapter one. Chapter One: The description is more like a list of traits picked from the Mary-Sue handbook. Nothing flows the sentences, it's more like a list of accomplishments. There is nothing special about Spring besides her possible Sueishness. Also, why is Tiria telling Lycian something Lycian can see for herself? Does Spring even have a personality? What is she afraid of? what makes her mad? What motivates her? Taken down vermin several times? She's not a soldier! WHo are Kianda and Hetfield, why aren't they here and why do they only get an after thought and not a "Speshul birff seen" like Spring? Also, what has changed on Green Isle since HR? Other than the obvious "Leatho and Tiria get married." The fact that we aren't inducted into these changes more smoothly is jarring enough, but with the sudden intro of traitor otters and two more royal children, I doubt Tiria would have left Green Isle. Too much to deal with there. Hideously short chapter. Blah, hate those. But long ones are even worse, so watch chapter length. Chapter Two- AAAH, so many titles. I laughed, not cowered in fear, because it was so ridiculous. It could be cool, if you some how found a way to make name-stealing part of who he was, but you didn't... So I laughed. I like the blood theme. Annnd why list the creatures in his horde? We know what's in the horde, there are 22 Redwall Books and it rarely changes save in PoL. Whoa, how did he get on Green Isle with a horde? Either Tiria and Leatho got slack in their old age, or the traitor otters were involved. But since the traitor otters are only mentioned in passing in Chapter Three, That is just confusing. Maybe you should start with the villain off of Green Isle and his men wondering how he could be so insane as to try to invade Green Isle. Have him use long boats or something. Ha, like how you made him a gentlebeast. Very nice touch, I hope you manage to balance it with the Bloodthirsty part of his character. Very tough to do, yep. OOh, good fleshing out of Voku. Nice psychological insight to both the warlord and the vermin. But keep in mind, it's hard to control a horde who has no idea what you're planning because they can't be sure there's something in it for them. Chapter Three: Absolutely nothing driving the plot. Yes, the villain was just there, but still. Do they have oxes in Redwall? Would Tiria let him get Tattoos? Nice opening description. Shouldn't Hetfield feel at least a bit slighted by Toobil's comment? Wouldn't he, at least, respect the HR's daughter? Since they are so alike, this could be a good spot of tension between them. I do like the sibling rivalry, but it seems a bit... poisonous. Traitor otters are introduced too quickly, then immediately dismissed. I think that's a concept you want to introduce more slowly and suspensefully. Inventing a clan seems pointless, there were at least fifteen named clans in HR you could use. Chapter Four: Why the switch from third to first person? And present first at that. Jarring. Also, why the author tags? We know you both wrote it. Why didn't he kill Tiria outright? Or at least had an arrow ping off her chest? Especially with the secret meeting. Why does he need her alone? He has her alone right now. Also, the ruins were destroyed in HR Tiria crying in front of an enemy this early in the game seems massively OOC Well. Why show Hetfield as so good when he just got himself killed? Especially when you showed the baddies main weapon was a dagger... Nice twist though, killing Hetfield. Lack of Leatho, Kolun, and Description is noted and protested. Good fight scenes, Overall, has potential. Nice job so far.